TELL ME THE MEANING

If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine…
Knowing that I could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you.

The most horrible day of my life could be today. I didn’t know how hurt could be written so deep inside my heart. I guess it really takes a lot of courage to say the word goodbye. I didn’t want to say goodbye either. I know how much effort and one million unwanted ‘don’t wants’ for him to say goodbye to me. It’s really a long relationship. A relationship probably I wouldn’t be able to forget for the rest of my life.

I guess its retribution. I do not have the courage to say goodbye because I don’t want to end this relationship so fast. In the past, no matter how sad and hurt I am, I will hold on. I will always tell myself, it’s LOVE that put us thus far but I am wrong. It’s the ever first BIG wrong step I have ever taken. If I had the courage in the past to tell him to break, probably he would have learnt how to treasure me even more and things wouldn’t be so complicated. It’s entirely my fault. I guess, when you come to this stage, you have to face facts.

Tonight, I really cried a lot. This is probably one of the nights that I cried so much. My eyes felt so pain my heart was even more pain. I can still remember he looked at me saying that he wants me to be happy. I was bleeding inside terribly. Is leaving me really the choice to make me feel happier? Is this the way I could actually feel how I want to feel? I really don’t know but all I want is for him to be happy. He is also suffering. He is hurting terribly too. When I see the tears flowing down from his eyes, my heart really bled. When he told me that he wants me to be happy, I was really touched.

Words could never be able to describe my feelings now. I am really sad. What have I done to deserve to go through all these? I have been asking God again and again to give me an answer, why hasn’t HE? Is this all a test? I really don’t know.

Michelle said that probably going separate ways will help. Will it? Will our journey just end like that? Frankly speaking, I really don’t want it to end like that. I don’t know what is the knot that is pulling me back.

 

 

 

 

HORRIBLE CALL

My call was really bad today. I was totally zonked out. Can you believe working for 24hours non-stop? You can’t right? i was really tired but i got no choice.

The stupid emergency cases kept coming in. my gang of on call people were like going crazy and mad. normally, even when we are working oncall, we still get to bathe and we still get to rest in between but this time round, we didn’t even have the time to take teabreaks. we only had one 5mins break and thats it. we were perpectually going crazy.

the moment i got home, i bathe and slept throughout. i was really tired. i couldn’t imagine how i survived it. Gerly, one of my colleage, told me that no matter how difficult this call was, we would survive it but i really thank God that i survive it because on in the early afternoon, i was already zonked out.

can you imagine how time have passed? it has been a few weeks already. i am beginning to wonder whether some things i did was right. i feel really vexed. is time running out for me or am i just drowning myself with my work. i have no energy to go out nor i even gave myself space. looking back really brings me back alot of memories. was i really wrong? did i made a wrong step by doing those things that i shouldn’t? i can’t fathom the future right now.

i bloody must lose weight but i just don’t have the time to exercise. i realised that i am starting to have double chins. *STOP LAUGHING*

 

how i wished my life is like this hot air balloon. you can sought so high and see the world. work was really horrible for the past few weeks. i have been really busy. recently, i met up with my dearest michelle last monday. i miss her so much. at least we did have a short heart to heart talk=) girls’ talk.

i think i seriously grew fatter because recently i really ate alot.

i still have many photos yet to be uploaded. i didn’t really have the time and the energy. all the extra time i have left was to make use of it to sleep. i really love sleeping now because i am deeply deprived of it. even right now, i am squeezing time to blog. i am waiting to bathe so i just thought of pening my thoughts and feelings down here.

 

i am going to bathe already=) i will continue with the pictures when i am free=)

tomorrow i will be oncall=( 24hours again=(

i am so tired

sometimes i don’t know why my life is so complicated. i am feeling complicated and vexed. i just hope my life is back to normal. my feelings are so mixed and i am feeling so blue inside of me. some people can just treat this a  courage but i can’t.

it has been almost a week after i came back from my leave. the most happening thing that happened during my leave was that i went to hongkong. am i or am i not supposed to mention this? i feel so rigid that there are alot of things i am not allowed to say or not supposed to say. i got really loads of nice hongkong pictures whether isit personal or scenary. how i wished i was firmed enough.. life wouldn’t be so complicated now.

i only can post some memories but i still have alot in my head. my feelings are overwhelmed. i love visual things=)

 

there are really loads and loads of pictures but i can’t really upload all of them right now. my computer is down and this post is like halfway done. i am really sorry. deep down, there are really loads and loads of wandering thoughts in my mind. i feel really =(

Protected: feeling like a piece of shit

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

horribly sick!!

 

 i am horribly sick!!

down with flu and fever. i am on mc today and i feel really bad because i know how theatre is so short of staff. i didn’t really have a choice too because i am really feeling so tired. i am wearing spectacles this whole week and i can’t stand it because i can’t concentrate and focus when i am wearing specs=( but.. i do not have a choice because i am seeing the eye doctor soon and i am going to do LASIK=)

ling is saying goodbye to spectacles and contact lens=)

she is feeling happy about it=)

a really busy day=(

today is really a busy day. theatre work has never been an easy one since i started working. i realised how hard it is to survive in the outside world. i am please to say at least the people i worked with in my discipline theatre are really really nice people. =)

these few days have been really tough for me. i am getting myself into deeper shit. whenever i think about the hongkong trip that is arriving round the corner, my head starts to spin really badly. my parents are there pressing me already. looking back, i really want to be myself again but its just so hard. i don’t understand why the more i grew up, the more i felt that i have more and more responsibilities but there is really no other ways that i can account myself to. i reckon its all just part of growing up.

i really have to make up my mind and not look back. people always asked me not to look back but its just really hard not to look back.

well, enough of my rumblings!! now, i’ll show you briefly what theatre life is about..=)

powder really work wonders right? i always powder away my eyebags=) my eyebags are really horrid. when my colleage saw me, she got a shocked of her life. although normally i go work, i don’t put makeup but i will at least powder my eyebags. hahas. i think she will never forget how horrible i look.

  

i hope life will be better for me. i hope God will give me a dream that will tell me how to solve my problems=) shall blog more soon=) tomorrow i am on call. which means i am working more than 24 hours=(